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1:1 In the beginning there was a great, dark, and formless void. 2 The void was formless, because being nothing it had no qualities of any kind, and therefore had no shape nor organization. 3 The void was great because being made of nothing there was very much raw material available to work with.
4 The void was darker than dark, because being a void, there was no light. 5 It had been this way for timeless ages, for there was no time in the void. 6 God looked upon the void and thought that it could be improved. 7 God said "Let the void have form and beauty" and God separated the void from its formlessness. 8 But God, in his wisdom, did not separate the void from the darkness, nor did he separate the void from its greatness. 9 Then God created the Heavens, and the Earth to surround the void, and there was one day.
2:1 And God said "Let there be light" and there was light. 2 And God saw that the light was good, and God separated the light from the darkness. 3 And God said "Let there be firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it separate the waters". 4 And God made the firmament and separated the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament, and it was so, the second day. 5 And God called the firmament land, and he saw that it was good.
6 And God said "Let the land put forth vegetation, and it was so, the third day.
7 And God said "Let there be lights above the firmament to separate the day from the night. 8 And God made the two great lights, the greater to rule the day, and the lesser to rule the night, except for about a fortnight out of each month; he made also the stars. 9 And God called the greater light the Sun, and the lesser light the moon, and there was evening and morning a fourth day.
10 And God said "Let the waters bring forth many creatures, and let them take many forms, and let some have sight and let some be blind". 11 And God separated the blind fish from those with sight, and some he put in the waters under the firmament and some in the waters above the firmament. 12 And God said "Let birds and bats fly through the air", and there was evening and morning a fifth day.
13 And God said "Let the Earth bring forth living creatures of all kinds: cattle of all kind, including cows, and creeping things, and hodags and glawackuses, and beasts of the earth, all according to their kind". 14 And God caused some of the cows to be sacred. 15 Then God said "Let us make Man in our own image" and in his image he created him; male and female he created them. 16 And God said "Let the man be called Lester, and God saw that it was good, and there was evening and morning a sixth day.
17 Thus the earth was finished, whole and complete, in six days. 18 God sat back and looked over his creation, and it pleased his sense of humor; he found it hilarious, even, and caused himself to pee in his robe. 19 Having worked hard for so long, God took a day off.
3:1 And the Lord God planted a Garden, called Eden, and in it he placed the man . 2 And God gave Lester the Garden of Eden to keep, and spake, "The Garden is yours to use, and use freely, excepting that you must never collect the speleothems and take them out of the Garden". 3 Lester enjoyed the Garden, until one day the Glawackus spoke to him. 4 Now the Glawackus was mischievous, and more subtle than the other creatures, and he told Lester that the pretty speleothems would be prettier still, if Lester took them from the Garden. 5 And so it was, that Lester took from the Garden the greatest speleothem. 6 God saw what had been done, and God became pissed, and sent Lester from the Garden. 7 And God said "Because of what has been done I will take away Eden and hide it, that man may never look upon it's beauty again". 8 And for his misdeeds, God caused the Glawackus to skulk about in the darkness, that he might seldom see man and cause mischief.
4:1 Time passed, and man and the beasts multiplied, and became evil and filled with sin. 2 God saw that what he had wrought was becoming spoiled, and he devised a plan. 3 God called upon Noah to build an ark. 4 And God caused Noah to build the ark and to gather in the animals, one male and one female, two by two, of each kind. 5 After Noah had gathered the animals except for a few very large reptiles with brains the size of walnuts, God sent a flood upon the face of the Earth. 6 For forty days and forty nights it rained, causing the land to sink beneath the seas.
7 Soon the living creatures died, and they sank to the bottom of the seas. 8 First, even though they had lived in the seas, the simplest of the algae died, and defying all logic, they sank like stones, due to their small size and low absolute buoyancy, rather than remaining suspended for a long period of time. 9 Next sank the more complex algae and the plankton, settling stratigraphically higher than those that died before them. 10 Eventually the large reptiles that had escaped Noah's attention sank, but being large and heavy, they sank much more slowly than the smaller plants and animals. 11 Finally, when the flood was nearly ready to abate, man began sinking, so that his remains lay atop nearly all of the other creatures. 12 God saw that this would greatly confuse and mislead the geologists and paleontologists, and he saw that this was good. 13 Just to really screw with their heads, God caused all of the radioisotopes to decay at many times their normal rate for the next 5900 years. 14 As all of the remains of the plants and creatures settled to the bottom of the seas, they formed a limy ooze which began to be compacted and compressed. 15 While this is the true and absolute record of how the world came to be, and must be read as literal Gospel, God saw that just because the world had been made whole and complete in six days, it was yet a work in progress, and he could continue to mold its face. 16 At the end of forty days and forty nights the ooze had been compressed into a soft and easily soluble rock. 17 This rock would be limestone, and God saw that it was a good cave former.
5:1 Finally, the great flood began to abate, and God caused the land to rise above the oceans. 2 As the land rose, the flood waters drained through the land, becoming chemically aggressive, and dissolving away some of the soft rock which had formed. 3 Gradually, spaces opened within the land, and God saw that this was good. 4 The land did not rise all at once, but rather a little at a time. The land would rise a bit and the water would drain, then the land would rise some more. 5 As the water drained away, it started the water cycle, and some of it rose as vapor, then fell again upon the land as rain. 6 Much of the water remained in the phreatic zone, but as it drained it flowed through the vadose zone. 7 As the rains fell they drained through the land and absorbed carbon dioxide, and God caused this to make the waters acidic. 8 The acidic waters continued to dissolve the rock, but as the land rose higher, the water began to redeposit some of the dissolved rock. 9 As the water drained through the openings towards the great void which was still beneath the Earth, the carbon dioxide content decreased, and the dissolved limestone began to precipitate. 10 As the precipitate accumulated, God caused it to grow in crystalline form, and he caused the crystals to accumulate into many different shapes. 11 He caused much of the precipitate to be micro-crystalline, but he allowed some crystals to grow very large. 12 Some of the crystals simply hung from the tops and side of the openings, and some fell to the floor, where they rose back toward the ceilings. 13 A few of the crystals God caused to grow in bizarre shapes that would defy the law of gravity, which would otherwise be strictly enforced.
6:1 For a long time, Noah drifted with the ark, until one day he spied flat hills rising from the waters of the receding sea. 2 Slowly, the ark drifted toward the hills, and finally came to rest on the Chester Cuesta, a high Holy place in the Promised Land. 2 Finally, all the flood waters had drained, and Noah could see below the ark a vast plain filled with holes, where the waters had sunk beneath the land. 3 Noah came down from the ark, and found that the lands underlain by limestone were good for farming, and he settled in that place, which was to become known as Flint Ridge.
Noah started a farm, and he knew Emily and raised his family, begetting a son whom he called Houchins. 5 Houchins knew Emily and he begat Hyman Gratz and Charles Wilkins, and Hyman knew Emily and begat Edmund Lee. 6 Lee also knew Emily and he begat Franklin Gorin and Gorin, knowing Emily, bought Stephen Bishop. 7 Stephen knew Emily and begat Lute Lee and Henry Lee. 8 Lute and Henry knew Emily, and they begat Max Kaemper and Ed Bishop, and Max knew Emily, begetting Edmund Turner who, knowing Emily, begat George Morrison and Floyd and Homer Collins. 9 Like everybody else, Floyd knew Emily, but he died young. 10 Homer, too, knew Emily and he begat Carmichael, and Pete Hanson and Leo Hunt. 11 Pete and Leo knew Emily and begat Jim Dyer and Bill Austin, and Jim and Bill knew Emily and begat Roger Brucker, and Red Watson. 12 Noah had also daughters, and other sons, and twins he had, and each he called Bob. God watched and he saw that one of them was nice.
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